“DEAD BY DAWN”
This is a famous quote from the 1987 horror flick “Evil Dead 2” that repeatedly rapes my brain bare back to punish my insomniac methods of writing. After a drastically epic sleep deprived night, I find myself starring at the box of lies, fear and abandonment or popularly known as TV, seeming to perfectly mimic the characteristics of a zombie, very sleep deprived zombie at that. I watch people’s rotten mouths moving but hear no words, because I notice my brain is a far more tastefully adequate entertainment. I have realised TV shows are actually extremely similar to films, books and poems that we have already been educated in. For example, the TV show ‘I’m A Celebrity’ depicts shockingly similar codes and conventions to the highly controversial 1980 “Cannibal Holocaust”. Of course one of the biggest similarities is people trying to upgrade their profile of fame so desperately that they would eat a tramps for-skin if it meant having a little snap shot in HELLO magazine. Similarly Dog the bounty hunter and “The Hills Have Eyes” are comparable. A bunch of evolutionary deprived Hill-Billy’s chasing around families with minor criminal records and putting them in the back of their truck. God knows what happens when the cameras are turned off….yep…. that’s right, all that’s going through your head right now is a faint, distant but Erie sound of the classic duelling banjo riff featured in the film ‘Deliverance’.
Dog the bounty hunter:
‘You ready Tucker?’
Tucker, the camera man:
‘He sure got a pretty mouth….’
Anyway, stop masturbating to my blog and get back to reading with intellect. Another show, is the disastrously humours TV show “Most Haunted” and its uncanny similarities to Scooby Doo, mixed with an amateur remake of Paranormal Activity. Despite the fact that the strangely optimistically attractive Yvette Fielding admitted to not believing in the paranormal, the show is outstandingly pissing off a lot of people’s intelligence, to the point that it should be banned from TV. The whole 45 minutes of the gutter drivel is based around grown men and women playing “let’s find the ghosts”. Now, I don’t actually have a big problem with the program at all I just think it should be nominated in the comedy awards not the BAFTAS. I mean, when the West Country medium (whose face has the exact same features as a boiled egg) pretends to be possessed by ghosts or goes into battle with them, it’s belly penetrating, award worthy comedy gold. Once you watch it you will immediately realise that nothing is funnier than a grown man playing a kids game with pure passion. Whilst Yvette (who’s picture belongs in every geeks bedside draw along with their tissues and baby oil) is shouting at the “ghosts” in the room, demanding them to come forth, I can’t help but to feel sorry for the (cough) ghosts. If there were actual spirits in the room, leave them alone! They’re probably having a wail of a time haunting the building, hanging out with all their old mates from the sex offender hospital wards. Why disturb them by dominatingly shouting at them? You don’t know what it’s like being dead for years it must get utterly boring; haunting people is like playing scrabble or table tennis for the dead. Respect your elders Yvette, especially the dead ones. Conveniently the ghosts follow the same structures as a classic horror movie by chillingly whispering back to Yvette the stock replies “Help”, “leave” or “what”. If I were a ghost being woken up by the sound of Yvette’s Fielding’s screaming school teacher voice, I would simply reply by slowly whispering “fuck off”. There! Have that for a replay to your audience. Over all, I think it’s fair to say that Most Haunted is about as scientifically correct and factual as Tom and Jerry.